i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
