You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
