I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
