wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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