You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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