She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize