Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Someone signed my nipple.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
