I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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