im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
this hospital has no fireball
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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