Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
