The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We left the knife in your bed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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