Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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