Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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