I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
