it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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