He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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