I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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