He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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