screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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