You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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