im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
