YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I FOUND THE LEGS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
