dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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