Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
