Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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