he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize