The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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