I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sext me about skeletons
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
