I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
