I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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