I should be sponsored by Trojan
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
