Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
