I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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