we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
