I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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