Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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