I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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