It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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