The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I did not marry a roomba.
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