Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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