God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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