As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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