I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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