my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
