I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
