They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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