i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
