someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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