Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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