Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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