So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
