what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
