Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
