I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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