I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
