home. puking in laundry basket.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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