i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
