This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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