I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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