Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's just like the Real World with babies
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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