your parents love me but you hate me
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
