Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
