Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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