I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
