Kiss
Puke
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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